


Agatha Heterodyne and the Big Brass Gun

by Sturzkampf



Series: The Trials of Moloch von Zinzer [1]
Category: Girl Genius
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 04:40:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2799923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sturzkampf/pseuds/Sturzkampf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>This is one of those little incidents that happen all the time in Mechanicsburg. Considered  too trivial for inclusion in the official biography, it gave Lady Heterodyne an amusing anecdote to tell over the after dinner mints and gave Moloch von Zinzer nightmares for a week. </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Agatha Heterodyne and the Big Brass Gun

**Author's Note:**

> The story is set after the events of the Girl Genius timeline. Agatha is safely established in Castle Heterodyne, as hinted at in the short stories ‘Agatha Heterodyne and the Electric Coffin’ and ‘Personal Trainer’. It assumes that all the characters mentioned are still alive (possibly a big assumption). There is hardly any violence (by Castle Heterodyne standards).

Moloch von Zinzer had always known that working with Agatha Heterodyne would get him killed sooner or later. Since their momentous first meeting in a Beetleburg alleyway he had been shot at, electrocuted, clawed, clubbed, zapped, punched, gassed, stabbed, poisoned and dropped from high places by any number of mad boys (and girls), clanks, constructs, doomsday machines, intelligent castles and jealous female minions. As he stared down the barrel of the gun it occurred to him that he never thought he would just end up getting shot by a normal human being.

It had been such a marvellous Spring morning too. Von Zinzer had been up early to fix one of the half-ruined buildings that originally formed the outer defences of the city, beyond the Walls of Mechanicsburg. Still disconnected after the long years of neglect and the Great Battle, no-one, not even Castle Heterodyne, was quite sure what they did. Now, the Castle – and the Mistress - wanted them fixed. For von Zinzer the early start was a chance to get some work done before the thousand constant interruptions and annoyances that went with the job of Lady Heterodyne's Head Minion woke up and came looking for him. Not that von Zinzer was Head Minion or even employed by Agatha Heterodyne of course. He could leave whenever he wanted. There were no ties and he was looking forward to getting out of this madhouse of crazy Sparks, scary minions and psychopathic buildings just as soon as he had finished helping with these last few final repairs and the City was back on its feet. He could give it all up any time he wanted.

The organised chaos that was a normal day in Castle Heterodyne was just starting to gather momentum as he walked across the courtyard. Apparently, something had gone missing from the armoury, under the noses of the Jägerkin guards, and as a result the monstrous soldiers were harassing the human members of staff. Von Zinzer, well known to the Jägers, got no more than suspicious looks, but the ordinary servants, employed to do the everyday cooking and cleaning, were this morning regretting taking the job, despite the good pay and the prestige of working for the Heterodyne that had attracted them from far and wide. In the main entrance hall General Khrizhan was arguing with the disembodied voice of Castle Heterodyne. The monstrous Jäger general sounded as if he was either about to burst into tears or pull someone's head off. Possibly both.

"But how could you let him just walk out with it?"

"He said he wanted it to shoot vermin," explained the Castle. "I thought it might be funny."

Von Zinzer left hurriedly. As he stepped out of the Gate of Lamps and descended the long causeway to the town, he took a deep breath of the fresh, sane, quiet early morning air and relaxed. Getting out of the Castle alive was still a novel experience to be savoured.

The installation itself was at the top of a small but steep hill. It looked like the ruins of a stone house, but from long experience von Zinzer could see that it had been built as a ruin to disguise some defensive mechanism, probably a trap designed to kill invaders in a variety of amusingly unpleasant ways. There was a single entrance with a long corridor, leading to a large empty room. Just as he had located the machinery cunningly concealed at the end of the corridor where it entered the room and was trying not to think too hard about why it contained so many sharp iron spikes, he heard the sound of running feet and heavy breathing approaching from outside, coming up the hill from Mechanicsburg. He tensed instinctively and then relaxed. The lack of any screaming, snarling, whimpering or tortured gasping told him that the runner was neither a dangerous monster nor being pursued by one. Turning he saw Agatha in the doorway, out for her morning training run, dressed in her lightweight exercise suit. Now that she was The Heterodyne she had insisted on replacing the skimpy Skifandarian novice's outfit with something more dignified of her own design that kept her ankles and knees decently covered. It was made of a special fabric that wicked the sweat away from her skin. So far, no-one had summoned the courage to tell her that it became semi-transparent when it got wet. She gave him the forced cheery good morning of joggers throughout the multiverse, designed to show him that she was enjoying this early morning exercise, really she was, and she wasn't out of breath at all or suffering in the least from a brisk run all the way from the Castle. She paused in the doorway and pretended to admire the view while concentrating on keeping her breathing under control and trying not to make it too obvious that she was leaning on the doorframe to stop herself falling to her knees. Von Zinzer was not fooled.

“I hate to mention this, but shouldn't someone be hitting you with a big stick about now?” Lady Heterodyne's training sessions were well known throughout Mechanicsburg. As the tourist traffic started to pick up again, enterprising hoteliers were setting up breakfast tables in their front windows so guests could watch her being chased along the street while they tackled their croissants and Spark Roast.

“Oh, Zeetha got into a discussion with the Castle in the russet breakfast room about the correct technique to remove the top of a boiled egg. It was starting to get quite intense so I decided to come out on my own. When you've done here, perhaps you could go over and repair the damage once they've finished.” Von Zinzer sighed. The work of a heroic roving repairman was never done.  
“They had to use the russet breakfast room? It's really difficult getting the bloodstains out of that carpet.”

“Oh, I don't think..Agh!”

The masonry a few inches from Agatha’s head exploded into fragments, followed a split second later by the sound of the shot. She ducked inside when a second bullet whistled past her and embedded itself in the door-frame. As she reached von Zinzer at the end of the corridor, Agatha recognised the dark figure wielding an enormous brass gun who appeared behind her in the outer doorway. Spark and minion dived for cover into the main chamber as more bullets tore through the air and hit the exposed machinery, throwing up a shower of blue sparks. The room had no other exits. They were trapped with nowhere to hide. Only then did it occur to von Zinzer that he had forgotten to pick up any of his tools, neatly arranged on the floor of the corridor ready for use, the only thing resembling a weapon either of them had.

“Who is trying to kill us?” The question 'why is someone trying to kill us?' didn't really seem worth asking.

“It's König, one of the under-footman,” replied Agatha. “ He was caught stealing from the other servants in the Castle. I was forced to fire him last night. It was all I could do to stop the Castle squashing him.”

“Stealing? In the Castle? Didn't he know that you are always under observation in there?”

“Well, he thought it would be the Castle's word against his.” She thought for a moment. “He isn't from round here. And he's not very bright. He was rather angry. Shook his fist at me and vowed revenge for ruining his life. That was before the Castle set his hair on fire and he ran away, screaming.”

Turning at bay against the far wall, they saw König in the doorway, a rather thin and ill-kempt young man whose appearance had not been improved by all the hair, including his eyebrow, having been burnt off the right side of his head. He raised his gun. This it, thought von Zinzer. I'm going to die. What am I doing here? Why didn't I just walk away when I had the chance? If I get out of this alive, I am on the first airship out of here.

“Now, you die Lady Heterodyne, ho ho ho!” As an expert and connoisseur, Agatha was unimpressed with the ex-under-footman's gloating, but this really didn't seem the time to criticise. “Get out of the way Moloch, I don't have any argument with you.”

Von Zinzer looked down the barrel of the brass gun. A fancy, customised automatic weapon. A gun he recognised. Maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t going to die today after all. Anyway, even if he was not really Head Minion, he was damned if he was on first name terms with a mere under-footman.

“Stay behind me,” he told Agatha. “NO! Don't argue! Trust me, just this once.”

Ignoring her protestations he pushed her behind him, putting himself between her and the gun, wishing the wretched woman would just stay still and do what she was told. Puffing out his chest and pulling his shoulders back, he looked the ex-under-footman in the eye and addressed him in his best sergeant’s voice.

“You want Lady Heterodyne?! Go on! Aim here!” He pointed at the centre of his chest. “You'll have to go through me first! No-one kills the Heterodyne while I am alive!”

“Get out of the way! Get out of the way! I'm going to kill that cow!”

“You are not going to kill the Heterodyne! I will not allow it!”

“It's not fair! It's just so not fair. She ruined my life! Get out of the way!”

“What?! Of course it’s fair you idiot! You had the chance to work for the Heterodyne and you threw it all away! You were caught stealing and you paid the penalty. It's your choice, your fault, your life! You!! ”

“No!! I'm going to blow her head off!!”

“You don't really want to kill anyone and you really don't want to die. They will have already heard the shots at the Castle. If you're lucky Zeetha will get here first and chop your head off. If you're unlucky it'll be a bunch of Jägers. They'll cut your head off too, only they’ll start at your ankles. If you start running now you can still get to cover and escape before they get here.”

The barrel of the gun wobbled alarmingly as König began to panic, throwing nervous glances back over his shoulder as his imagination filled the corridor behind him with vengeful Amazons. Von Zinzer shouted to hold his attention.

“You'll have to shoot me first! Go on, aim here!” To his relief the barrel stabilised, aimed directly at his chest. He folded his arms and stared König down, watching the doubt and the fear build. Then, with a cry, the ex-under-footman dropped the gun and ran. Von Zinzer had a brief moment of panic as it hit the tiled floor, afraid that the mechanism might fire on impact, but it had been built far too well for that. With a sigh of relief he walked over to the gun and was just making it safe when a squad of Jägerkin burst into the room and were only prevented from shooting him by a quick command from Agatha. A hurried explanation sent them whooping away in hot pursuit of the fugitive.

The sounds of the hunt receded into the distance. Von Zinzer walked outside and sat down on the grass, gripping his knees to stop his hands shaking. Agatha followed and sat down beside him.  
“Thanks von Zinzer. That was really, really brave of you.”

Von Zinzer enjoyed the moment of triumph and better, actually being cleverer than the great Agatha Heterodyne. He looked round and grinned.

“We were never in any real danger. I recognised that gun from the armoury. It used to be Captain Vole's. König must have stolen it from there before he left. Violetta told me all about it from the time she had the fight with Vole in the Fun-sized Mobile Agony and Death Dispenser Control Room so I know that it always pulls to the right. She wouldn't shut up about it. A fiddly, customised gun that wouldn't even shoot straight.” He relaxed and stretched as the adrenaline seeped away and began to he enjoy his explanation.

“So you see, I knew that so long as Herr König kept the gun pointing directly at the centre of my chest and you kept behind me he couldn't possibly hit us. Then it was just a case of keeping him talking until the Jägers heard the shots and turned up to.... What?”

Agatha was looking down at her clasped hands, contrite and embarrassed, for all the world a little girl owning up to her parents that her latest experiment had just blown a hole through the kitchen table and set the cat on fire. Again. There was a familiar horrible sinking feeling in von Zinzer's stomach. He had seen that look all too often. Last time it had been when she told him that her new Topfen Engine had turned one of the Mechanicsburg's dairy farms into a blasted chemical waste land. Of course it had been von Zinzer who had had to take charge of the clean-up. Sometimes, he still started shaking uncontrollably when suddenly confronted with soft cheese.

“What have you done?” he asked, unsuccessfully trying to keep his voice calm and level.  
Agatha kept her head lowered as she spoke.

“Well, er, I was there too you know, and Violetta, well, she told me that the gun was pulling to the right and I did notice that the mechanism was out of alignment so I, um, well, you see, von Zinzer I'm so sorry. Before I put it away in the armoury, I fixed it so it shot straight.”  



End file.
